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Oct. 4th, 2006 @ 08:50 am crap crap
Current Mood: crankycranky
It was a bloody floody monday night. i picked up my sister at gelleria who can't leave office until 7pm or so.. so i parked the car outside galleria, right across the galleria suites, then passed time in the mall by having a facial. so after waiting, my sister comes and we step out of the mall to find the mall surrounded by brown water... shin level... i hated that i parked outside but i also hate parking inside galleria... i knew i shouldve parked inside...

so my sister and i rolled our pants and treaded the flood waters, our feet and shins disappearing into murky depths... my pink pants drenched, rolled out, felt heavy.. once we reached the car we discarded our pants and covered our legs with our jackets.. i drove wearing undies! well underneath anyway..

this teaches me a lesson that my fear of what happened in the past should not affect my present decisions.. its just that in my experience, trying to find a parking space inside the mall is hell.. but because of monday night, i realized parking across galeria when it is raining is the worst kind of hell.

i miss karen so much. i don't know how to deal... i texted her if she wants to meet up this saturday... i miss seeing her and talking to her... sometimes i kick myself (inwardly) when i think "I need her"... i shouldn't do that.. those pangs of yearnings will go away, hopefully someday...

its a bummer shes not even in friendster anymore... she really is withdrawing.. so i wanted to withdraw too so i deleted her name in my cellphone.. but i have her number memorized so its useless... i transferred all her text messages in my notebook, copied it in pen and ink and deleted the messages in my phone... i stuffed all her letters and photos in one box.. her painting from Greece stashed on top of my closet.. want to clear everything that will remind me of her..

but all it takes is one sappy song in the radio.. or my lying down on my bed thinking about the pile of pillows she used to put underneath my knees to make me comfortable... one small thing triggers all the good feelings and memories...

i feel i still love her but i don't think it is... i am a poor judge... everything i feel and think is driven by the longing... when the longing stops then i can become a better judge...

well maybe i should cancel the meet up this saturday and really stop being in her life.. who cares if i miss her... wonder how she is... just hang...

fuck this, i know i want to see her. its just that she wants space, and maybe space is good. total withdrawal. i dont want to promise that i will never text or call again.. but maybe i should.. i mean she can do it, so can i... i can do this... remember when she called from the motel, she really wanted a goodbye.. sever ties...

fuck this shit.. i just want to find out how she is, maybe i can see her for a 20 minute lunch.. i can watch the spanish film fest by myself.. been a while since i watched a movie alone.. i used to do that all the time..

fuck fuck.. i dont really have friends because i allowed it.. no sick-head you have friends but you are just too busy moping and sulking.. nobody wants to be around with a sulking van...

fuck.. only God will be able to understand me.

maybe i'll withdraw
Your Imprint Here
Oct. 2nd, 2006 @ 08:29 am last drop
Current Mood: sadsad
my sister and her family is staying in our house since saturday cuz its still black out in their subdivision in paranaque. She rode with me this morning on the way to work. i just checked karen's blog first thing when i sat here in front of my office pc... both urls cannot be found.

maybe she transferred her blog to a new url.. good for her then. if she did transfer blogs, then perhaps it is a statement for me to give her real space.

i texted her last night, but i don't regret it. maybe i should try changing my SIM, after all theres no sun number i'll be calling or who would be calling me 24/7...

or this is just unfounded speculation, maybe the blogger server is down.. but both her blogs? Hmmmm. I should really try not to be concerned about her life anymore, it is really not my business. im not even a friend yet, remember?

oh its pathetic, dont start cryin again in the office, van. so much to do remember? the lgfi website, you update your blog more than the website. and your lil writing projects.. live goes on.. let go of the Zahir... it is not even love that your feeling, just a need to be with the one person who has fulfilled your needs.. you were wanted, needed, and loved.. now stop being selfish and accept that she won't be there anymore. convince yourself.. She isn't there anymore... not for you... not for you.. because you chose it.. you broke up with her... and you gotta be a whole person before you can clear your heart and soul and be free to love again...

it is natural to miss her, the first person you committed to, the first person you gave yourself to, body and heart...

you will one day let go of the zahir, and your obsession is not really her... your obsession is to cling to someone who you think will love you always.. that is a disease.. you cannot find love elsewhere van, but in yourself.

in yourself. let her go, van. let go of your need. stop being like a child who lost her favorite teddy bear. you dont need teddy bears you just have to genuinely like yourself from now on.. okay? got that?

no my heart doesn't get it yet. im not there yet. im still needy and clingy and i will cry if i want to. in the office, in the car, while taking a bath... let it mourn let it mourn.. it's hard but it is the only way to become free of need. when you come from emptiness, you have freedom, unbiased decisions. you will have clarity about what your soul is looking for.

and remember, God's will is for you to find your deepest yearning. right now, you may think your deepest yearning is her -- the only one who has shown you you are deserving to be loved -- but right now you are coming from the space of need, the space of wanting to get back to where it is comfortable, back to the known happy place with her... empty yourself van.. keep pouring until your mourning reaches the last drop.

then fly. ask God for wings.
Your Imprint Here
Sep. 27th, 2006 @ 10:56 am again
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Tha past few days were a whirlwind of activity, I had barely time to feel or think about her. Even when during the relationship I operated the same way, I am able to compartmentalize and seperate work mode and feelings mode... i just don't see them going together.

the expo was tiring and fun. the crowne plaza food is good (especially Sea Bass, but Antonios was better) and i pocketed a lot ot the complementary Ceylon tea bags and raw sugar... my only peeve is the gala dinner food servings which were so small... i think that some restaurants deliberately kept things in small servings to make it more 'appealing' and taste buds to be 'hungry for more.'

i am happy for nerissa's kilig stories, and i had fun just hanging out with her and rhea at kopivatore (or something like that) in morato right after the tribute to Ka Elmo. i am reminded i have friends, and more importantly, I am a friend, and it is a nice feeling to support and be supported.

rx monster radio riot today on my way to work when i heard the Calling's live version of "i will go wherever you will go, way up high or down low.." as i zipped through ortigas ave crossing towards edsa then galleria... the tears just poured out of nowhere... i miss her friendship, even during the relationship, even now after...

the process of unlearning is harder than learning. it would be unfair to ask time from her to talk, because i truly feel space between is what we need in order to... (using her own words).. take the break-up seriously.

someday we'll be friends again.
Your Imprint Here
Sep. 19th, 2006 @ 09:56 am the drama
Current Mood: crazycrazy
bleary eyed i tried to escape the coding thing this morning coz i figured i needed a car later if im attending that LEAP 30 preview thing.

even though im going to that seminar preview, i still have reservations about joining the 3 month seminar. i am already anticipating the goals i will have to finish within three months of the program.. i remember during my starshooters the pain of processing and being processed by different people.. i remember the pain of honesty, and the pain of seeing myself clearly -- faults, flaws, and assets and all...

i live a life of convenience by pushing truth at the back. but after the ache of the break up, i feel i owe it to myself to take my growth, to stare at the truth, and actually do something about it.

truth one: i am needy... i cling to any source of love i could find, and for the first time in my life i was able to help myself with a steady source - karen... and it helped me a lot.. but i have minimum love for me so i felt both happy and sad. but letting her go, i think is one of the bravest things i did. i could so easily have kept her with me, my warmy fuzzy comfort blanky.. its hard, still is, memories of how wonderful it is to have her as my partner still sting me at the most unsuspecting moments... but i have to steel myself... the best thing i could ever do for me is to love fully without holding back, until i know how to do that, i will become a subtle vampire in all my relationships.

i rememebr natalie goldberg used to say some people use writing to get more love. and that's exactly what i do. i wrote fan fics because i was hungry for the adoration that comes with the feedback.. the impressed "ooh your a writer.. oooh!" that i get and crave. anything that will get me love and attention, although to the world i am a calm and composed person, inside is a ravenous dark void that eats my own light. That's it, i haven't fed the ravenous monster with my own light.

Self-depracation is something i do as a defense. when i person hurls criticism at me, i protect my self by out-hurling that person with more criticisms about me.. it's like i'm saying.. so you think you know my faults? here are other faults.. help yourself!!!

I also have a penchant for drama, it is my way of keeping things interesting.. another ploy to get attention.. i remember slamming the cemented walls of the house with my fist, causing the paintings, frames, to slide down and crashed the image of Mary of Guadalupe.. i remember throwing a saucer against the wall because they forgot to leave food for me.. and my siblings are happy to remind me i gave my parents the deepest embarrassement by throwing a loud tantrum inside a public transport to Bagiuo-- ofcourse i have no recollection of this -- but it is already a clue on how i strategize to get attention and love.

and i manipulated karen that way too.. to the tune of black eyed peas.. drama drama, you don't want no drama... i pulled the dramatics at her that crazy saturday... and all of my self pity came to the fore..

i am not asking myself to be perfect.. i am asking myself to be a bit nicer to myself.

it is good that i am single now. i have escaped a lot of ugliness that i want to face squarely now that i only have me in the equation.

Lord, stay by my side. keep my monsters at bay. i'm scared to ask for christian counselling. i still think my past abuse has nothing to do with who i am now.. but maybe there are still murky areas i have avoided to really know.

My heart is restless until it rests upon You, Lord...
Your Imprint Here
Sep. 18th, 2006 @ 08:05 am It
Current Mood: blankblank
8am, great no one is in the office yet.. no calls no emails to answer no boss following up my list of deadlines.. i wanted to unload...

sunday we went to paranaque, a great distraction from the turmoil im trying to hide from my family. although my legs ached cuz my nieces decided to make their human see-saw, my worries disappeared momentarily when i played with the kids.

kids have it all, they laugh when they want to laugh, whine when they want to, and people will understand them coz they are kids.. i wonder why grown ups have to master their emotions, learn to mask it... be the one to control it, not be the one controlled by emotions.. and i guess i controlled my emotions fairly well.. i was in no mood to go out, but i dont want my family to suspect anything. Riding the white revo was too much.. the saturday, her and me inside that same car.. still fills my mind... i wanted to cry as i stared out of the blur of streetscaped.. and then we went to gateway cuz my mum had to watch the UE vs UST game with dad, so brother, iyay, eden and i wandered in gateway.. which magnified my memories of her.. fuck thats the nike women, and fuck.. thats cibo where we broke up.. oh and big fuck. thats oasis right in the middle of everything where we spent many lovely afternoons talking over a hot cup of cocoa.. more than anything i wanted to be alone.. so i was glad bro had to look for something and the oldies wanted to sit in the food court, i excused myself and walked alone for a while..

crying in the mall is one of the saddest things.. it is the place where families go to, to have fun, couples to bond, friends to re connect.. all this throng of people and i feel as if no one is there but me and my sadness...

i am sad to know i won't be hearing or seeing her anytime.. for a very long time.. i'm sad to be reminded that i am not the independent woman i prided myself to be.. i have to wake up to the reality that i have my own shackles to shake free... there are still house rules i live by... and she who barely asked anything from me...i denied again..

deep down i know also it is not the 'it' the this-is-'it' kind of relationship.. because i know i am not ready to stand by who i am, and i am also not sure of the forever and ever thing with her... i love her a lot... so much... and now that it has ended i know for sure i really love her... i love her even without the relationship, even without the comfort she brings... i just do..

but i know i have made the right decision coz if i don't see forever, then i should let it go..

i talked to jude over the phone and he said he knew of this couple who broke up, had relationships with other people, and after two years of seperation, the couple got back together again and got married... "kung kayo talaga, eh di magiging kayo pa rin..."

and i guess i have to trust the process, the process of life, the process of love. if my journey leads me back to her, then hopefully we can get a second chance.. if my heart will still yearn for her after facing my fears, the unkown, and being exposed to different people.. then i know she is the 'it' i was too blind to see...

but then if my journey makes me realize otherwise.. then i am happy to have shared something beautiful, meaningful.. to have truly loved.. to have been loved by someone as warm, as beautiful, as giving as her... i thank the heavens and all the dieties i have experienced what i have experienced with her... i will not exchange it for anything in the world.. even the not-so-good times...and the wonderful heart-bursting great times... the peaceful moments of perfect contentment in her arms.. nothing can take those away from me..

I still long for that getaway, hold her all night, but now i know it will not happen anymore.. i missed my chance..

i still love you, karen. and don't worry about saturday, you are rarely needy... so it is okay.. you are not a bad person for asking me for what you really want.. i dont think of you any less.. i love you. and it is time for us to go on seperately.. at least until we are ready to begin our friendship.
Your Imprint Here
Sep. 12th, 2006 @ 09:21 am Stones, Floods, and Ears
Dad has three stones, in the urethra (or something like that), near one of the kidneys, and a gallstone. Also, his liver needs to be Ct scanned coz the doctors suspect something is wrong there too.

Typical dad. i know there is no point in blaming the sick person himself.. but i just have to let out a bit of my frustration... it is typical of him not to seek medical help until his sickness as wayy to advanced. It's the same way how he dealt with hi-lander during his ownership, he wont get the little damages fixed until the problem is very bad... and now i inherited that car full of sickness... okay snap out of blame mode.. in a way i understand him coz i am sometimes like that too. He is always worried about costs costs costs.. obstacles obstacles obstacles... i just hope and i pray his stones will be removed safely... if only he won't be bull headed anymore.

so it's 930AM in the office now, my to do list keeps getting longer, but i just need to ramble some more... the great thing about blogs is that it is always available especially in moments you want to vent... confiding to friends is great, but the time factor and non-aligning of schedules is something to consider. whereas you blog, boom, instant friend.

another shouting match broke the night, or was it round 2am i think? probably one of my drunken neighbors or uncles again, wanting to stir some things up for a lack of better things to do. so i was momentarily snatched from my sleep when i heard a booming sound, like a giant was trying to shake one of the trailer trucks in our street.. my first thought was.. just dont let them hit revo or hilander, i dont care if they hurt each other.

i forgot to mention mum, dad, and i slept in the car the very saturday i met up with karen. its the fucking floods that made the araneta ave steets look like a raging black river, passible only to trucks.. the few Adventures and revos we saw valiantly venturing into the dark depths all conked out on the street..i wonder.. where the FUCK all my FUCKING six thousand pesos of taxes every month goes into???!!! The DPWH can do and MMDA can do is make the sewerage and drainage systems work! I was half hoping an MMDA truck or a volunteer fire truck something would come along and scoop the water out, or have a vacuum hose of sorts.. but no knight in shining truck armor came... so a whole street-full of vehicles parked on the sides, my dad parked the revo in the nearest shell gas station where some other 10 vehicles are parked to.. waiting waiting for the water to subside. I think we parked at 10PM and we left the gas station at 1AM... mum was the only one who was able to get sleep inside the car.

anyway, im looking forward to gulp some positive air, i plan to re-audit the psi basic seminar on the 14th and the 15th after office.. i still havent come around in making an appointment with the light of jesus counsellor..

i just read her blog and i thought... yeah maybe... maybe i wasnt satisfied with the connection we have (or had, now that its past), i know i love her, and many times that is the only connection that matters.. but perhaps there are other parts i didnt see connect.. i don't know. this is why it is sort of exciting to know her again, as if seeing her again for the first time... reading more about her thoughts, makes me happy... since we rarely got the luxury of sharing thoughts and the privacy to do so... reading her blog has become somewhat a furtive pleasurable pastime of mine.

last sunday the priest's homily wasn't boring... a rare incident indeed... the gospel was about Jesus healing the deaf... and today, a lot of us are unaware of being deaf.. the priest says.. you are deaf if you don't know how to listen openly.. this means if you are listening to someone while your mind is busy already making a response, or a rebuttal -- that is not openly listening... and i am guilty of this lots of times.

i want to be a better listener. there are only a handful of people i know who are good at open minded listening-- Karen (she always lets me go ahead whenever we speak at the same time) and Nerissa (she could hold back all of her comments while i am doing the talking)... i remember chris is also a good listener, she won't make you feel judged or being weighed when you talk to her..

me on the other hand, i interrupt people in mid sentences, when i disagree and get fired up, i dont always wait for my turn to speak. my old programs of being a bunso who has to be heard among the more logical arguments of my older siblings.. all come to the fore when i am passionate about a topic. yes, i guess it will do wonders for my relationships when i master this art of listening.
Your Imprint Here
Sep. 11th, 2006 @ 09:49 am Mad wooorld
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Gary V's ILOVEU
There are times crawling inside one's cave is good, but there are times that going out to find out how are the other people in the other caves are doing.. could help ease the troubles of living.. i read the blogs of my friends Jude and Ellen, and as Jude said over the phone, Ellen went through some tough times... now i know why there are times i feel lonely, i haven't been hungry curious to find out about my friends. Ofcourse there is the occassional how are you, and even the more seldom get togethers and writing/artist dates.. it's just that lately my greater need was for self-reflection and missing karen. but now i realize, although on the surface my friendships are okay, it needs to be sparked to life again. i remember i was happy being single before because i liked my job and i had meaningful friendships that are not just limited to "how are you" conversations, but also to "how is your soul doing and your heart feeling now? What do you feel is your life purpose? Do you really believe in angels and devils?"

I met up with karen last saturday. i am listening right now to the CD she gave, i am supposed to be doing a powerpoint presentation right now for my boss, but i have a greater need to write first in this journal.

seeing her, her roundish form, her conditioned hair that she probably spent hours combing and getting dry.. watching her as she left our coffee bean table to get our Prada movie tickets, her walk half confident strides and half bouncy springs like kids do... my feelings run and say how could i have ever leave her.. this bouncy sunshine in human form... but the thought passes, she's back to the table with our tickets, back to the awkward place of trying to be as casual as friends when my skin remembers the warmth of her hugs, the moist warmth of her lips... i mentally snap back myself to the present.. noting to myself why i chose friendship at this time.

more than ever, i want to be certain of my orientation, i want to accept myself, seek my soul's deepest desire, go for it, be guided by God's prodding.. be certain of who I am, before being intimate with another human being. and finally shed my fears in front of my own mirror, then my family's mirror... see my naked self without grimaces, embrace who i am...

my body has a memory, my heart and especially my mind.. and they all come to the surface when she is right in front of me.. and they sneak into my depths when she is not in front of me.. i am thinking love and attachment is simply a tea bag i have to saturate in water again and again.. perhaps until there is nothing to be extracted anymore, and the tea bag feels happy for having given juice from every speck of tea leaf inside it...

but if ever i dont stop longing and loving her, i am not worried. i am also not worried if i stop loving her in a romantic way. i am just happy to feel certain about one thing, that i will make it a point to include her in my life... a constant variable.. it is just the dependency i need to work on.. and i have a lot of work to do.. just seeing her round shoulder, makes me want to lean my head on it.. not a good idea when both of us are trying to get over each other.

it's funny, most people break up because they dont love each other anymore. i feel we still love each other and need each other badly.. so why break up? and it goes back to the question, what is my deepest yearning, and when i find out, will i be ready to stand for it even if it might mean hurting my family.. the people i love the most? I have to be ready to bite the bullet. but first find out why i am attacking myself. i must feel something is wrong with what i am if i feel i need to hide it from my parents.. i am also scared of talking to a christian counselor, but how else could i find out what the other side of the coin says?

I love God. I love my family. I love Karen... and I love myself.. and could those loves be at odds with each other? Isn't love the unifying factor? YEs. I still think it is the unifying factor... it is my fears that are tearing these loves apart, my fears that make me feel disjointed for a while now...

Lord i need your guidance.. Lead me by the hand and make me face the rising sun...
Your Imprint Here
Sep. 7th, 2006 @ 03:10 pm Happiness is...
Current Mood: awakeawake
that kid leah salonga song.. happiness... always cheers me up when i hear it.. it goes something like: "happiness, is, one scoop of icecream..." or something like that :)

just to cheer myself up, here are my revised lyrics for the song..

Happiness is
Typing on a soft keypad
Having my own space to think
Watching DEBs and girl fan fics
Watching fave movie clips at you tube
Rereading Harry Potter
Having time to think and gaze aimlessly at the office
Minding my own business
Having a non-fish dinner
Hi-Lander not conking
Meeting deadlines
Reading a good book in my room
Not being pressured
Driving with no traffic
Seeing the real XPC plate yellow van out of nowhere
Sharing a joke with a friend
Discovering her again, smiling as i read her blog
Salvaging friendships i thought were dead
Pushing myself to be more and do more
Taking more rest than work
Eating hershey symphony toffee chocolate
Running around ultra
watching the sun's descent
Writing out of thin air
making up stories
hearing stories from friends
seeing my mum and dad sitting together on our sofa
having money to buy the family non-fish breakfast
bacon, longganiza, hot cakes
oh! Heaven and Eggs with Karen :)
Remembering what i had with Karen
Having clothes to wear
Retiring my old worn black shoes
Recruiting a new shoe
Parking slots waiting for me
Gateway lazy boy cinema seats
Sharing ideas and experiences with friends over coffee
The rustle of leaves and the quiet at The Farm
Fork sinking deep into tender beef at Antonios
Antonios green tea shake
Sharing desert with Karen
Retreats with God by my side
My guardian angel, unflatering
Life.. here.. now.. beautiful

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

this photo i took in pagudpud in 2004, i think. posting it here, i know karen will see what i saw.. almost as if we are watching the same sunset together.. i know i promised to cease communication, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy what God created for everyone to see.. a sunset is beautiful when watched alone, but it can mend hearts when two aching people watch it together.. we are not yet friends yet, but there are quiet joys non-friends and ex-lovers can share ;)

ayos ba? biik? :)
Your Imprint Here
Sep. 4th, 2006 @ 08:25 am shooo
Current Mood: dorkydorky
I wanted to be early this Monday so I can finish my writing deadlines before I am bothered by calls and summons from my boss... but when i get here in my office i just wander off, warm up mentally, then get to work..

As i backed hi-lander into parking slot nummber 19, wearing my pink blazer uniform... i mused to myself if ever i really dreamed becoming this grown up.. look at me driving my car, wearing a corporate get-up, light make-up, even my hair has become a bit long, rushing to catch the elevator that is almost always about to close... i muse... did i really dream of becoming this adult?

In a way, my deep longing was to be part of positive change, which is partly what i am doing with the foundation i am working in... but i'm still tied 8am to 5pm monday to friday. I guess i am longing for time to become under my own terms... now if i can be part of positive change, own my time, travel at whim, earn passive income, forge deeper relationships... then i guess that would be the grown-up me i dreamt about.

Saturday was fun, dad was sick so i was family driver -- which i get to do every now and then but i like driving the white revo so no worries. it's just that finding parking at world trade center during the book fair was a nightmare. My mum had to make paki-usap to the guards of the training center beside world trade, and alas her PNB connections didn't fail us. Given one hour and a half to explore, i limited my wanderings to stores i know would have some quality authors.. i have been thinking of buying Gabriel Garcia Marquez's "Love in the Time of Cholera" but all the have is his "One Hundred Years of Solitude" which also intrigued me since i have about three trusted friends who already told me it is one of the books i should read before i die.. but skimming the spines of Marquez's books, my eyes fell upon another "M" author... Murakami... I heard from Ces, in one our last phone conversation before she left for the San Francisco, that he is really good. So I picked up his "Sputnik Sweetheart" read the first page about Sumire... a college girl who fell for the first time in a tornado-kind of way, whith a married woman who is ten years her senior... i wasn't really hooked by the plot but i definitely was charmed why Sumire came to call Miu her "Sputnik Sweetheart." And yay! 20% off so instead of paying 475, i paid 375. It has been a while since i bought a book for myself so it is satisfying in a way. Karen has bought me a lot of books, and i am happy at the thought of the many Natalie Goldberg books waiting for me at home. they are like my trusted friends who resides in my room whom i can turn to any time i wish.

I just wish i could talk to her.. to Karen.. any time i wish.. it has always been my longing even during the course of our relationship. i miss her badly as my friend.. more than anything.

Mum treated us to Kimono Ken at blue wave to celebrate her first salary (in a manner of speaking) and then i drove us home. As I made the turn to roxas boulavard i saw traders hotel and BAM! I was hit by that pang of longing... and sadness... and it becomes magnified as i calmly steered the Revo and pretended I am a-okay, but inside sadness is trying to find a temporary residence, but i shooed it away.. no vacancy for you Mr. Sadness, come back another day when i am not driving the family.

Sunday, i felt really lonely, i wrote in my journal. read coehlo and murakami and a bit of rowling, still their company made me long for a real human being to talk to. I sighed and wondered which friend can i call, and i realized i dont have much friends left who i can talk to deeply about this longing in my heart. then i remembered, well at least i still have a few quality friends. i am happy i got to talk to nerissa, and we got to talk about death, one of her dearest friends just died, and that kind of puts a lot of things in perspective. death always does. the need to talk to karen is still there, i just hope we can still really be friends but i guess she would be needing time alone... always alone... but i hope not lonely.

back to work now, switching on business van.
Your Imprint Here
Sep. 1st, 2006 @ 03:42 pm Snow in The Sahara
Current Mood: workingworking
this song is for her... she gave it to me in one of the numerous CDs she burned for me...she is my snow in the Sahara..she is the moon that shone on my path.. she covered me with veils of silk and gold... with her beside me, even the stretches of desert becomes an appealing journey.. i miss you karen... the empty passenger seat of my car.. the empty chair across me in the restaurant.. the plush seats of cinemas become sad without you beside me... miss you so damn much... here is the lyrics to that song that reminded me again of you.. like all other little things do.. i pray you are happy and whole.

Snow in the Sahara

Only tell me that you still want me here
When you wander off out there
To those hills of dust and hard winds that blow
In that dry white ocean alone
(Lose out in the desert
You are lost out in the desert)

But to stand with you in a ring of fire
I’ll forget the days gone by
I’ll protect your body and guard your soul
From mirages in your sight

(Lost out in the desert
You are lost out in the desert)

If your hopes scatter like the dust across your track
I’ll be the moon that shines on your path
The sun may blind our eyes, I’ll pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the Sahara

Just a wish and I will cover your shoulders
With veils of silk and gold
When the shadows come and darken your heart
Leaving you with regrets so cold

(Lost out in the desert
You are lost out in the desert)

If your hopes scatter like the dust across your track
I’ll be the moon that shines on your path
The sun may blind our eyes, I’ll pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the Sahara

If that’s the only place where you can leave your doubts
I’ll hold you up and be your way out
And if we burn away, Ill pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the Sahara
Your Imprint Here