i miss her again, it comes in thoughts and pangs of feelings. i am expanding my horizon outward by appreciating the depth of my inward.
the workshop/council meeting yesterday made me realize i still cling to a lot of judgements that prevent me from fully enjoying relationships.. my tendency to psycho analyze robs me of the joy of just being..
there is a time to just be.. and a time to analyze... and not all people welcome analysis. unwlecome analysis..
it all boils down to how i am still working on accepting myself fully.. i look around, thinking how i can fix the problems.. world problems, family problems, love problems. i give advice when it is asked.. but sometimes i give analysis and judgements without invites...
still, i accept that i am a work in progress.. i am continually making myself aware..
the things i do.. a lot of times i accomplish things at work or meet my goals because i just want to be 100%.. i dont want the hassle of someone reprimanding me so i do what they need me to do.. ayoko mapahiya or sabihan i'm not doing my job...
it gets the job done, i get most of my goals.. but what is the value of that? what am i feeling and being while im going after my goals?
i forgot the joy the love and the passion. like in the enrollment goal.. i just wanted to be a hundred percent.. not really just to communicate my love... a lot of agendas in my head.
perhaps i was the same way during my relatioship with karen. i love her, but i psycho analyzed too much and i judged her... not accepting wholly who she is.. if i did i wouldnt have any issues about the "independence thing" the mom thing.. the whatever thing.. acceptance means knowing full well who she is and embracing that..
acceptance doesnt mean i have to agree with everything.. i may disagree and keep my own views.. i would just stop insisting my own views.. the "you shoulds"..
i have a lot to learn about love.. and until i stop judging myself and just accept myself for who i am.. i wont be fully enjoying the blessing of being in a loving relationship.
i love karen, but i had a lot of judgements. sabi ng isang coach, love without acceptance can kill a relationship.. nakakasakal.
acceptance acceptance acceptance.. easily uttered.. someday i will master you.