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Mar. 9th, 2007 @ 09:01 am alignment
Current Mood: coldcold
i feel constipated.. something is not aligned.. like a knotted muscle.

yesterday was my sister's birthday so i treated her to a spa massage. the two previous therapists who worked on me before crystalized my belief that all therapists there are quite good.

but i guess thats the thing that interferes with contentment.. the comparisons. as the young therapist chopped my back with sharp jabs, i felt my muscles tensing more than relaxing and i prayed the massage would end.. i kept telling her to make it lighter, and she would lessen the pressure, but later on she would go back again to attacking my tense muscles.

next time, i will memorize the name of the previous therapist who knew what i needed.

well at least my sister liked the massage.

i am at the frickin office and again i am sooooo bored. i know there are people to follow up, minutes of the meeting to write, stupid press releases...

i can re-discover my love for this job, or find an outlet for my wild side being tame too long annoys me.

i am a novelty seeker and if i dont find something new to do, or a new idea to dissect, iget bored.

boredy bored bored.

i wished i hadnt reacted to her blog. it is simple really. feelings are feelings there is no right or wrong.

i remember getting teary eyed when she said the one person she wanted to be with her during that late night interview at a call center was her other ex.. and though i was encouraging her to find out why she is bothered about N's certain confessions... it bothered me that it bothers her at all...

i accept i will get pangs of this. after all, i have felt so secure in her love. i have to condition myself that it wont be forever, so when her affections swing towards other people, i wont be bothered.

my security shouldnt be latched on her affections, or on any other people's loves..

God, heal me.
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Mar. 7th, 2007 @ 01:42 pm remember the damn password
Current Mood: crazycrazy
i have several blogs and i am only able to update just one. so i ventured updating here and i got frustrated for a full minute that i couldn't remember the damn password here.

funny, karen sent me a document she saved herself and protected with her password, and now she couldnt open it cuz she forgot the password.

i'm here to spill the fuzz in my brain, it has been sleep deprived. the white revo was coding so i left the house 6am and got to the office 640am.. not a trace of them blue mmdas in site.

i have been revisitng the kittenboard again a lot lately, and i've been trying to draft an update to my unfinished fics.. which i left hanging in year 2003.. geez, thats so 4 years ago.

attract what you think.. so what The Secret says. i have been looking at porn lately, will i attract porn? hahhahaa.

yes, i think it is true that i attract what i think, though there are some delays in the manifestations. as for example, about a month ago i have wondered how my old friends are.. and then they would text now, asking how i am.

and jobs, so many job vacancies when i have a good paying one now in a cool foundation...

and potential dates, but i'm not too interested. it is clear that she and i are over. i am not as attached to her as before. but the residue of romance is there, and it gets amplified when i see her... and when i talk to her i realize i again why i love her.. or loved her.. i dont know.

im happy not to be in a relationship right now. to explore areas of my character. drop my self off at uncomfortable territory, see how i will fare.

but i really really pray i get that fellowship in new mexico. my creative writing has been shelved and now it is gathering not cobwebs but mucus.


goin back to work now. yes i have been blogging here illegaly.
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Dec. 12th, 2006 @ 06:09 pm c",)
Current Mood: artisticartistic
Current Music: the 80's!
what do i feel...

can i just intellectualize? im not good with interveiwing my heart.. but heck, fine, i'll try..

i am happy to be expanding my sphere, i am almost done with my fairy tale book, that is if i quit stalling and searching for her missing blog..

my feelings for her now have somewhat settled. i love her but the need to be "with her" has lessened.. alas this solitary path is leading me towards illumination...

still, i have lapses and miss her severely on some nights on some days on some idle moments...

don't get me wrong, when i see someone beautiful i drink in and appreciate.. the thing is i'm not yet with the part of sharing and letting "potentials" go beneath my surface.

after dating 12 people in a month, i have come to learn that without stimulating conversation i easily float away. yes, there has been profound conversation..

Date #7: What? You're bi? How do you girls actually "do" it?

Me: It is not so much in the "doing" although we do it a lot. It has more to do with feeling.

Date #7: How can you fall for someone your own sex?

Me: Do you choose the person you fall in love with?

Date #7: Yes I do. Love is a mental choice.

Me: I guess if we can't agree on the basic definitions such as "love" then we better not discuss further.


Date #10: WOW. You're bi. Ever thought of doing a threesome?

Me: Definitely. Keanu Reeves, Angelina Jolie, and me.


No one is what they seem from the outside.


I long for our easy conversations, what I used to have. Change can be jarring sometimes. I wish I could talk to her again about anything and everything at all. I guess all along I'm in search of friendships. Even the good friendships need some tune ups.

Still miss her.
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Nov. 21st, 2006 @ 07:55 am Believe
Current Mood: awakeawake
without fail, i check her un-updated blog everyday hoping to learn how she is doing.. i wonder. will i be jealous if she is dating now? ofcourse...

she made me feel so secure and spoiled with the thought that she will love only me.. breaking up with her i must consider the possibility that she will fall out of love one day. and that would be sad.. but that's fair.

here i am exploring my inner and outer selves.. meeting people.. opening my heart to everything.. I know I still love Karen and I am not ready to foray into another romantic relationship yet until i am comfortable with my sexuality and have a healthier love of self... but nonetheless i havent thought what i will feel if i find out she is over me.

loving myself more and more.. i know i'll find the courage to really let her go. whenever i drive to san juan, or see a thing that reminds me of her, all i could think of is getting back together once my life seminar is done...

but i know i shouldn't be thinking about her as my comfort blanky.. i am my own comfort blanky and i can be strong enough to love myself without sucking other people's supply...

i just need to believe i am complete with or without her.

i need to believe.
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Nov. 15th, 2006 @ 03:59 pm ACCEPTING AKO?
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
i miss her again, it comes in thoughts and pangs of feelings. i am expanding my horizon outward by appreciating the depth of my inward.

the workshop/council meeting yesterday made me realize i still cling to a lot of judgements that prevent me from fully enjoying relationships.. my tendency to psycho analyze robs me of the joy of just being..

there is a time to just be.. and a time to analyze... and not all people welcome analysis. unwlecome analysis..

it all boils down to how i am still working on accepting myself fully.. i look around, thinking how i can fix the problems.. world problems, family problems, love problems. i give advice when it is asked.. but sometimes i give analysis and judgements without invites...

still, i accept that i am a work in progress.. i am continually making myself aware..

the things i do.. a lot of times i accomplish things at work or meet my goals because i just want to be 100%.. i dont want the hassle of someone reprimanding me so i do what they need me to do.. ayoko mapahiya or sabihan i'm not doing my job...

it gets the job done, i get most of my goals.. but what is the value of that? what am i feeling and being while im going after my goals?

i forgot the joy the love and the passion. like in the enrollment goal.. i just wanted to be a hundred percent.. not really just to communicate my love... a lot of agendas in my head.

perhaps i was the same way during my relatioship with karen. i love her, but i psycho analyzed too much and i judged her... not accepting wholly who she is.. if i did i wouldnt have any issues about the "independence thing" the mom thing.. the whatever thing.. acceptance means knowing full well who she is and embracing that..

acceptance doesnt mean i have to agree with everything.. i may disagree and keep my own views.. i would just stop insisting my own views.. the "you shoulds"..

i have a lot to learn about love.. and until i stop judging myself and just accept myself for who i am.. i wont be fully enjoying the blessing of being in a loving relationship.

i love karen, but i had a lot of judgements. sabi ng isang coach, love without acceptance can kill a relationship.. nakakasakal.

acceptance acceptance acceptance.. easily uttered.. someday i will master you.
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Nov. 3rd, 2006 @ 08:19 am Energy and Love
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Yesterday i met up with Karen and Nerissa, then jude and rhea came along. It's a bit weird. For the first time we are with our friends and we are not an "us" anymore. And I am sort of getting this vibe of her wanting to distance herself cuz when i gave an "unsolicited hug" she sat there and didn't move... but it feels good to hug her.

and when nerissa went to the john, we got to talk privately a bit.. i stroked her hand.. a hand that knew hard work and caring for other people.. a hand that cupped my cheek countless of times and made me feel loved and beautiful.. i can't help thanking her.. then i think i mouthed the words "i love you" but i stopped myself..

where did that came from? i wasn't planning to tell her that.. but my heart felt like it.. and in practice of LEAP, I am trying to be less cerebral and listen to my heart more.. so if heart wants to say that then fine.

I told nerissa about this mini-crush i have in one of my team mates in LEAP.. i was sort of intrigued by her.. so i googled her and found out she is a tv personality, and this is where "attract what you think" comes in because trish called me yesterday arranging for a meet up cuz she wants to discuss about foundation work.

So after my council meeting yesterday.. which was very enlightening and freeing (we did a lot of clarification why we chose our goals, what value it is to us).. trish dropped by and had dinner with all of us.. di pala sya pretty pag naka-make up... we also bonded with two other coaches over pizza.. it was fun and energizing to be with "can-do-anything" kind of people...

Rhea texted me last night and she's really into the success culture.. she is hungry for learning and i think she is at a precipice of discovering her own greatness.

nerissa is discovering her love of self by falling in love deeply with another human being..

si jude, nag-improve ng presentation of self to others.. i can see he is happy. corny pero i want everyone to feel happy. life is too short to be spent in misery.

thank you Lord for my family and friends.
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Oct. 30th, 2006 @ 09:18 am Hot Babe
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
I am a hot babe.

Even though I'm claiming it, there are some cringing embarrassment at the periphery but i choose to ignore it.. because it is more fun being a hot babe than being a beautiful person who is blind to her own greatness..

This life seminar i am taking called LEAP is helping me bring out the me I've always wanted to be. I feel so happy and blessed to be re-discovering and reclaiming the power I have...

Some of my major learnings:

1) Goals will literally fall into my lap without me working hard for it.. if only i totally embrace my wholeness and exude my greatness. A new car won't make me affluent. Several hot dates won't make me attractive and desirable... when I feel already affluent and desirable and loving inside.. that new car and those dates are just bonuses... reflections of what is already within.

2) Planning sometimes doesn't work. There are times where being "in the present moment" matters more. I plan what I'll say, what I'll share, what will make me appear smart and confident.. but in the middle of the sharing i connected to what i am saying.. i allowed myself to feel and veered from the script in my head then suddenly i am about to cry in front of those people i barely knew.. sharing a very intimate thing about me.. this wasnt the plan.. but it feels damn good.. and that moment reminded me my spontaneity is what i have been repressing and what has been making me feel un-excited and un-joyful..

i am so happy to feel and to just be...

3) The Makeover.. there's a chair with my name on it.. i entered a room and this team of fashionistas, hairdressers and make up artists where all over me.. i felt scared but excited.. a fresh new talent who is about to enter a tv show.. and wow.. i never thought i could were a tube and high heeled clogs, ears dangling with huge hoop earrings and strut my stuff.. RAMPA RAMPA.. and the crowd cheered... the way I hear people cheer in may daydreams and fantasies of being a hot babe in the spotlight.. i've always thought they are just harmless fantasies that aren't really meant for reality.. there is joy and comfort in keeping fantasies unreal cuz making it real will lose its appeal... BUT HOW WRONG I WAS... I've always wanted to feel beautiful but i haven't been taking my body seriously in figuring out what will make it feel and look good...

and damn, I saw the made over me and I looked good.. but more importantly I am amazed by my own daring and beauty.

LEAP is making the old shy me very very uncomfortable... but the me I have always keeping control of.. the wild woman who wants to be like Angelina Jolie, live out adventures... that inner me is very very happy.

God, thank you for life and chances. MMMMMWAH!

(for those who are interested to know more about these life boosting seminars I am talking about, just shoot me an email at gusts_of_clarity@yahoo.com)
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Oct. 12th, 2006 @ 02:53 pm Savage Garden
Current Mood: thirstythirsty
Current Music: karen's cd
she makes me feel
so beautiful
her hand cupping my cheek
my universe falling
she catches
she is that powerful

karen i still love you
i continually ask why i broke up
because sometimes i cant see the reason...

and you never asked for a reason
but i needed reasons
i needed calculations
a weighing scale.. i never understood love at all

but i know i felt it
still feel it
my cob web thoughts waiting to capture
something essential
to crawl inside

but i am as lonely as a door without a knob

i miss you
i'm listening to your cd again... the former savage garden singer..
you make me feel so beautiful
even if your eyes are not there anymore
to hold my gaze

i don't know when this missing will stop...

i don't know how to move on.. i need a map
with my own light to spill
i am lost in this dark labyrinthine alley

if only i have your hand in mine
but i resolved to get out of this alone...

stupid me
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Oct. 6th, 2006 @ 10:24 am war
Current Mood: exanimateexanimate
The art of procrastination... i know i can always finish what i need to finish anytime... really i should finish consolidating the acitivities for October but i don't feel the urgency.

i don't have the urgency about life in general, i am a dandelion.. wisps of cotton... blown by the wind.. bobbing up and down...

i have reached the plateau of non-thirst non-hunger non-feelings... i want to be shaken up by a meteor crash... be hungry for life again...

after all it is a gift.. my heart pumping without me telling it to do so..

i lost myself, a godless person, a slave to lust, a charred drift wood barely recognizable from black abyss..

i don't feel good i dont feel bad i dont feel

if all my feelings died today i believe my mind can pull things through, i could convince everyone im okay and everything, i can be on auto-pilot...

or i can do what Sumire did in Sputnik Sweetheart and split myself into two...

or i could jolt myself to wakefulness..

revel in my insignificance... an ant on an elephant...

still fragmented, broken, i could disappear... it would be interesting to leave this shell of mine and see where i will go... and when i go back to my body will my mind remember where my soul has been?

i watched in national geographic that dreams are a way of emptying the brain of anxious thoughts.. its a wholly brain activity, dreaming is, a way of reviewing past events... it is nice to know God designed my body in such a way it can self cope.

bodies get a fever to fight the virus, even runny noses is a means to expel the dirtied fluids... we sweat so our heated bodies can cool down.. our wounds contract to seal itself and proctect itself..

yes the human body has inherent coping mechanisms.. God is a genius.. as for loneliness and sadness... a heart's coping mechanism takes more than a fever or a sealed scab...

better get back to work now, that's twice my boss looked over my shoulder and mightve seen what my computer monitor says..

im not giving up on life. far from it. im waging a war to get my fire back.
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Oct. 4th, 2006 @ 10:20 am crybaby
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
i miss her when i take a breath
i miss her when i stare at walls
i miss her when i wander the malls
i miss her when i am editing articles
i miss her when i am writing articles
i miss her when it rains
when there is a hint of a car trouble i miss her
when there is a new resto i miss her
when i see my cellphone i miss her
when i put milk in my tea i miss her
whe a stare blankly at fried fish dinner i miss her
when it gets too cold in my bed i miss her
when i surf the net i miss her
when i hear music i miss her
when i think when i feel i miss her

i remember moist lips grazing my eyelids
i remember finger pads on my temples
i remember my arms encircling her want to keep her safe
i remember being in her arms being kept warm
i remember grocey aisles she used to skip
i remember phonecalls and text messages breaking monotony of my day
i remember inclining the passenger seat of hilander to lie beside her
i remember her love for star formations
i remember conversations
i remember she doesnt like scary movies
i remember the first time i walked into her house
i remember she was taking a shower
i remember being shy and keep the bathroom door closed
i remember her smile when she said "thank you for visiting our brothel"
i remember the glint in her eyes when she sees clothing she likes

i have too much memories
i want to tell it again and again and again
perhaps until i reach nothingness
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